Come spend a pleasant couple of hours in South Africa and meet the natives. Admire the pendulous breasts. Long for the good old days when the tits were real, and the women wearing the really big ones had the personality to match, not an ugly inflated ego far beyond their pay grade.
This adventure has all the emotional content lacking in the Indiana Jones epics. The evil is personal and tangible. The life threatening decapitation by primitive head hunters is real and imminent.
The plump breasts of dancing maidens is mesmerising. The landscape is awesome, and the hero is a true loner/curmudgeon not a walking thesaurus of one line quips and false bravado.
It’s pretty obvious this wasn’t made in Hollywood, because the romance is genuine, the emotions are heartfelt and earned, and the love is destined to last beyond the end of the closing credits.
Indiana Jones’ triumph was finding the Ark of the Covenant or the priceless Crystal Skull. Allan Quatermain’s triumph is earning enough money to send his son to school in London for one more term. (He actually never even finds the Temple of the Skulls, but something FAR more valuable.)
Indiana Jones always ends up back in academia surrounded by adoring coeds. Allan Quatermain hangs out with his new friends (and gushing lady friend) out in the outback by the barbie, smiling (yes, apparently he can smile), and quite content at last with this ramshackle lifestyle of his.
Alas, the film is not without influence from the gay Hollywood crowd. The peak of personal danger to our heros, the most scariest scene, has Allan et al surrounded by naked women dancing and plump breasts bouncing.
Hey, you all — you get the message here?? Be afraid of women. They’ll entice you with their sexuality and cut off your head if you dare to stare at their pride and joy.
Fortunately, I still retain the capacity to realize it’s all make believe danger, surrounded by ogling cameramen and a director sweating bullets under his little pink umbrella.
Enjoy the show, folks.
Move with the drums, man — rumba with da beat.
