Yes, the Gods gave young men short, stubby sticks that miraculously turn into long, shiny swords as soon as you grab them and swing them around a little bit.
Bully for Perseus for refusing to use God’s sword — not that he’s the least bit shy about grabbing other men’s swords to swing them around at will. I am glad they made Perseus a fisherman like Christ the Son of the Christian God.
They even had a scene where no fish were in the nets, and we wait expectantly for Perseus the Jesus figure to summon the nets full of bounty.
It’s pretty clear that FX (special effects) got the lion’s share of this film’s budget. After paying exorbitant fees to A list actors to play the lame title roles for Zeus, Hades, and Io they had nothing left to pay the hero, so they got a real loser.
Liam Neeson, who looks good as the supremely effeminate Zeus, and Ralph Fiennes as the lame Hades (anal retentive and anal expressive personalities, respectively) must have the gay community positively giddy in their seats. Finally a film with the true vision, gays as gods.
The only bright spot is Gemma Arterton as Io, the extremely beautiful creature who wants us to feel sorry for her because she was “cursed” with immortality. Looking like that?
She flits along through the men’s battle scenes enticing male egos in the audience with a spark of lust now and then. Lust that is quickly transferred to men in mortal combat — grappling each other with their swords and spears while they cry with ecstasy to jam their large round spears into the backside of a monster or another man.
This must be how it looks inside gay bath houses, where grown men go on their lunch break to have random sex with many beautiful bodies in steam-filled rooms where they never see the other men’s faces, to keep it all quite anonymous you understand.
I never even made it past the ghastly giant scorpions. As soon as the screenwriter introduced some bizarre mummy characters to save the day, after 80% of Perseus’ men were dead; well, I’m just glad I rented this one from Netflix and didn’t pay hard cash for a movie ticket.
This is one pathetic use of Hollywood money, for damn sure.
